on christmas.....

being an atheist you wouldn't think that i would bother with christmas.  after all, it is supposed to be about the birth of jesus and all that nonsense and not about shop-till-you-drop consumerism.  but our nation (and others) have turned this religious holiday into something completely different.  we have turned it into the time of year that many retailers return to working in the black (profitability, if you will).  while that may be akin to a religious experience for many a ceo and cfo out there, i don't think it is quite what god (had he existed) had in mind.

yet i have no problem with celebrating christmas in many of the tradiational ways, just as long as they aren't religious in nature.  i mean things like the exchange of gifts, well wishes via hallmark cards, visiting family and/or friends, fancy dinners with family and/or friends, etc.  i only wish it didn't take this season to bring folks together in such a way.  it would be difficult for most of us to maintain the level of happiness that can come with this season, but wouldn't it be nice to try?  wouldn't it be nice to have dinners more often with each other?  to exchange a small treat, a tiny gift every so often?  oh well......

this year, this christmas, was one with which i am not happy though.  while we did enjoy a very nice meal at the home of a close neighbor, we did not exchange presents.  that is, my wife, daughter and i did not exchange any gifts.  this is due, in large part, to the lack of cash-money on hand for such.  i've been unemployed for the past four years (since we moved to the dayton, ohio area) and my chronic unemployment has made life difficult fiscally.  not harsh, mind you, but difficult.  and we agreed this year to not purchase gifts for each other (the wife and i) and now that the day has come and gone i can say with complete certainty:  i don't like it.  

i can live without the christmas tree (besides - the cats would, in all likelihood) destroy it).  i can live without the birth of jesus.  i can live without christmas carols and coloured lights and i could even live without christmas television shows, but i don't think i can ever again go without getting something for my wife.  it just feels wrong.  

maybe it is in part because i'm not the best person at expressing my feelings of love, warmth and caring.  i'm not saying i'm cold or appear unfeeling; far from it.  but i'm not as good about showing feelings of love as i could be.  so when birthdays or christmas roll around i use these times as an opportunity to try and show what the person means by obtaining a really nice present.  clearly that did not transpire this christmas.  clearly this has left me irritated.  

next year i will not make the same mistake.